Not to sound dramatic or anything.
Happy New Year, you guys!
At some point around the holiday season, I usually write something about my favorite Christmas songs, and at some point in the newyeareveish time, something about my resolutions, but manalive this entire holiday season has been tough. Usually I balance my mix of Christmas music between happy, sad, and in-between holiday songs, but this year I just had this song on repeat. I think I figured out a little of why I love the holidays in general, though – because I feel like it’s where I fit best. In a mess of glitter and celebration and candles and lights and buckets of melancholy.
Also – I really don’t know if there’s anything lovelier in the middle of the blues than a river to skate away on.
There was good, too, of course, in the midst of tough – December seems to be the epitome of a bipolar roller coaster every year, it’s just that this year the dips appeared faster and stayed longer than I’m used to. I do my best to confront them head on – with a combination of eating well, steering clear of alcohol, exercise & time outside, when I know they’re going to hit hard. I prep, you guys. Like when you know a hurricane’s going to hit, so you board up your windows, except for me, that meant plastering a poster-size paper next to my bed with reminders like, Eat well and sleep lots and be good to yourself and go outside – but then there were so many holiday dinner celebrations, and people kept giving me glasses of wine? (After I asked for them.) And then we had a staff retreat at a beach house and someone handed me a margarita (because I held out my hand) and then someone else gave me a cookie (I took multiple when no one was looking). And who can exercise when it’s below zero? I mean people could, indoors, I suppose – but I’ve realized in my adult years that I am only happy when I can be outside, and then secondarily realized I am also only happy when I am not frozen to the bones, so –
Here we are.
I am half-happy, half-sad, half-eating-everything-green and half baking cakes for myself at 10 o’clock at night, mostly laying on the floor, half waterallday and half champagne for no reason – half-hopeful for what’s to come in 2018. I suppose this is always where I am, I’m just attempting to move to the other side – like three quarters green and 1 quarter cake?
Last weekend, though, I got pretty excited about the bombcyclone and all that came with it – the forced slowdown of the town, and the outdoors when they’re so peaceful. I love people and community and all that it comes with, but really, the best time to be out is when everyone else is in. So I put on my snowpants and boots and trudged around the neighborhood for hours and it made me super happy.
I attempted to take a picture of myself, y’know – a selfie, to document my happiness, like a proper 2017 woman. I pictured myself writing something like #happiest or #snowdayhappy or something equally awesome to capture the moment. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, though, while trying to take it, because it was snowing so much and it was so windy, and then in the middle of the attempt, realized there was a man watching me try to do it while my hood flew off multiple times, and then felt completely ridiculous but still – happy.
I was the happiest, you guys!
When I was nearing the end of my walk, heading down my street towards home a small, blue pickup truck slowed down near me and the woman driving – around my age, rolled down the window. In the moments I waited for her to speak, I thought to myself that she was going to offer me a ride – the wind had picked up considerably, and Kittery is full of super neighborly people – some of whom I had met and spoken with on the first half of my walk. When I read her face, though, which was slightly unpleasant-looking, I instead thought I was going to get yelled at for walking in the road, which I was totally doing.
Angry-woman, yelling: So, ya like Bobby Knowles?*****
Me, adorable snow-bunny looking innocent: Um, what?
Angry-woman again, louder and more angry: YA LIKE BOBBY KNOWLES?
Me, still adorable which you can tell by how I make my statement a question here: Um – I don’t know who that is?
Angry-woman, the loudest in the land: WELL WHY DID YOU FUCK HIM LAST NIGHT THEN?
And then she sped away.
Here’s the thing, guys. I really don’t know who Bobby Knowles is. I assume he is a TOMCAT with the ladies of Kittery, but I am not one of them. When someone was – I’ll be more sensitive here than my new friend – befriending Bobby Knowles the previous night, I was cooking pizza for Anna and her friends. And then hiding their phones from them. And then reminding them that I could still hear them talking, in the wee hours of the morning. Bobby, apparently unfortunately for me (but likely not), was nowhere to be found, at least not at my house.
I called my Mom to tell her what happened – because I needed someone to know that me and Bobby weren’t going to make it – and as I was recounting the story – my new friend came speeding around the corner of the street I was about to cross. The roads were pretty bad, because y’know, bombcyclone, so when she started spinning out a little, I assumed it was because she hit an icy patch. A second later, though – she started gunning for the sidewalk and I realized she was trying to hit me. She tried a few times, while I ran up the snowbank I was near, and then dove out of the way, and then she left, rolling down her window and glaring at me while she gestured with her hands in an un-friendly way.
And I started to run home.
1) Don’t be too hard on yourself when the blues hit, December is a tough month for lotsofpeople. Drink water. Sleep lots. Eat well. Accept the wine and the cookies, but get some greens in there. Soak in the extra time with people you love. Forgive yourself over and over and over again.
2) Take advantage of snowdays by getting outside. Walk when it’s dark so you can see the remaining lights from people who haven’t gotten around to taking them down yet, and families sitting down to dinner through their Christmas tree covered windows. Wear proper gear, so you don’t get too cold.
3) Stay on the sidewalk, because Bobby Knowles’ girlfriend could try to kill you.
****Bobby’s name has been changed to protect the innocent.
That’s me, guys.
BECAUSE HELLO HIS GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO KILL ME.