How’s your week? I started going to the gym this week, and can I tell you something? I totally didn’t die. I thought I would – because I hate hate hate the treadmill more than anything else on the planet, but I went, and ran, and then left, and felt like 100 times better than I had before.
I ALMOST DIED, however, of bird-fright.
I really wish there was a soundtrack to play with this story, because I can tell you, there was one in my head. First let me just say, I didn’t think I was terrified of Anna’s parakeets. Like – I can walk in the room where they are. Because they’re in their cage y’know? What are they going to do? Sometimes, I even feed them. Do I open and close the cage at LIGHTNING SPEED? Of course. Does my heart beat a little faster before and after? Sure. But I’m FINE about their general existence.
But then yesterday, I was on the phone with someone and the birds started chirping. And the person on the phone was like, ‘Is that your parakeets?’ – and I was all “I know they’re SO LOUD! Ha ha. And they’re like – downstairs around a corner in Anna’s room. So weird right?”
And then when I hung up they chirped again. And I thought it sounded kind of loud. And I felt that weird sensation when you know something is wrong but you don’t totally want to face it y’know? So I went downstairs. Really, really slowly. Like this:
And when I finally made it all the way to Anna’s room, and peeked at the cage – IT WAS OPEN.
It was one of those
“The call is coming from inside the house…..”
I am still alive, however.
So I walked around the house trying to find them – found one in my room on the windowsill, and quickly shut my door so it didn’t fly around the house. And then realized the other one was on the floor in the hallway, and attempted to pick it up (but the above video was on replay in my head) so I couldn’t do it. So I just backed away.
And went upstairs. And silently prayed they would just stay where they were until Anna came home.
And about an hour later – while I was mid-sentence on a different phone call, THE YELLOW ONE CAME HURTLING AT ME FROM NOWHERE!! I screamed at the top of my lungs (frightening my phone-companion) and then it finally flew into the closet up here so I closed the door.
And silently prayed nothing else would happen until Anna came home.
And about an hour later – THE ONE THAT WAS IN MY ROOM – WITH THE DOOR CLOSED – CAME HURTLING AT ME FROM NOWHERE! I’m not even kidding you guys. And then it landed at my feet. And STARED AT ME. I continued working on my computer as if nothing was happening. Cause they can smell fear, right? So I was all, not afraid.
THE DOOR WAS CLOSED you guys.
And about an hour later – Anna came home. I don’t really know what it says about me as a mother, our the life I’ve created for us that I spent a significant amount of time paralyzed in fear because of two tiny parakeets and Anna had to rescue me, but whatever – we’re a team, right? And you GUYS – MY DOOR WAS CLOSED! And it really landed at my feet.
Like it KNOWS.
Like the birds.
Like the fucking birds.
And now that we have properly duct-taped the cage closed, some (as always, unsolicited) advice for you guys.
If you’re going to get a pet for your daughter – do your best to stay away from one that can fly at your head