I’m a sad sack this week.
That might be the 100th time I’ve used that phrase, which just serves to reiterate the phrase itself.
Side note: how great are the losing horns from the Price is Right?
So, so great.
Anyway, my weekend updates for you:
I joined a writing workshop: It’s kind of amazing and terrifying you guys. Part of the workshop is reading your stuff and then asking the other folks in the group for feedback. It’s 10 times scarier than reading in front of a large audience – especially when you’re with the group I am, who are all fantastically intelligent, thoughtful writers. Sometimes, when I’m planted in front of an intelligent, good-looking, funny man, I gain weight. Like – INSTANTLY. And my voice gets deeper. I can’t help it, I’m all of a sudden a very large, unattractive man. I believe this same thing happened in the writing workshop when I started to read the draft of what I’m working on right now.
I was Barry White.
But once I was done, and they had to gather their thoughts and communicate them, my voice got back to it’s regular amount of manliness, and the multiple chins that had erupted disappeared. And they helped. And it felt so good to be in a mini community!
I got my heart broken: I used to think heartbreak was reserved for lovers – or at least, that the people who maintained control over your heart were people you’d given it to, formally. Like with rings or pins or Facebook statuses. Like – when Grant decided he wanted to focus on hockey in the 6th grade instead of me and ended our 8 day relationship, it broke my heart because I’d declared my love for him already, in a public way.
What I know now, though, is that anyone can break your heart. Or at least anyone can break mine. All it seems to require is that I love them, however public or private or formal or informal that love is, whether it’s the kind of love that’s reserved for lovers, or for family, or friends. Even if I’ve never stood in front of them to declare my feelings. They can still break my heart. A bunch of them can even do it at the same time.
Also, the worst.
The positive about the heart-breaking, if there were to be anything positive, is that I get it now. I know what I do when this happens, I’m aware this time. The pain in my chest and the inability to breathe. The not eating and eating and not sleeping and sleeping. High Fidelity multiple times and subsequent binge watching Netflix. (Frank Underwood’s life is so much worse than mine!) Songs on repeat 100 times.
Most of all, the knowledge that today, it’s palpable and that one day it won’t be. That I will be fine. Even if I can’t really feel that now. Even if that feels so far away. Because I didn’t break anyone, or anything, all I did was love someone, as best as I possibly could.
I spent time with people that know everything about me and still love me:
Which is just the best possible thing ever always, and especially when you’re a sad sack. Because I laughed really hard, and I hugged a lot, and it wasn’t enough time, but to have all of us in the same place with so many kids and relationships and work and *stuff* to manage to get there was just good.
If you’re a sad sack too, try hitting the price is right losing horn a few times. Join a workshop. Watch High Fidelity, and House of Cards and eat pizza from Domino’s. (Or don’t, because it’s really not good you guys?) And most of all, find the people that know everything about you and still love you, and hold on to them really, really tight.