I’ve started marathoning Gilmore Girls. Have you guys seen it? It seems like the worst in a good way, so far – mostly because I’m fantasizing about being Lorelei and picturing Anna as Rory, because y’know – we’re in a small town? And I’m a single mom. And I could totally own an Inn. I can see me and teenage Anna going to the Kittery Town Hall meetings with popcorn and soda and involving ourselves in the politics of parking laws and curbing your dog and all things small town. She’ll tell me about her first kisses, and I’ll start dating her teachers and the local coffee shop owner. He’ll have a beard and wear flannel shirts (for warmth, not trend) and be able to fix stuff for me – like the window in my kitchen that doesn’t open right, and that thing that keeps making a noise in my car, a belt maybe?
While I patiently await his arrival at my door and comb the Kittery websites for the next Town Hall meeting, current love updates:
I fell in love with my sister’s in-laws: My nephew had a baseball game this weekend, so I dragged Anna (WHY ARE THERE SO MANY INNINGS MAMA?), and we sat with my sister’s in-laws for the game. We talked while we were watching him play, and they noted their granddaughter had a game later that day, that happened to be across from where Anna’s lacrosse game was. And after the first half of Anna’s game, I looked up to them walking across the field – and my sister’s mother-in-law sat down on the blanket with me and cheered Anna on. And it was just so nice you guys. Like one of those nice things that you don’t realize are going to overwhelm you with love, but it did.
I fell in love with someone else’s family: Have you guys ever been to a baby shower? Usually, they’re not good times.
Side note: I’m sorry if I went to your baby shower and you are now thinking I did not have good times. I totally did! I, mean, it was for you. I love you.
Anyway – I went to a baby shower this weekend for a friend, and while the food (make your own waffles with ice cream and nutella and fresh berries) and the favors (I left with champagne!) were enough to make it the best baby shower ever, after we’d eaten, the father-to-be’s sister passed out lyrics to a song she’d written for the baby. And she taught it to us, and the entire room sang, with purpose, to the parents to be and baby in the belly. And I cried. Because being in the middle of a group of people that have that much love for two people, in the way that this family did, was just – good.
I fell in love with myself again: I’m not all that practiced at breaking up. Like – I get it, that relationships don’t work. Things end. The relationships I’ve had in my adult life haven’t really broken off officially though, they just kind of tapered off and got less, somehow, like the end of a song – when it just shifts to the repeated chorus getting quieter and quieter, so you can’t really tell when the musicians have called it quits. Which for me, just means they didn’t. I still love them. Quietly.
This one had a defined end, though, and left a chest-tightening feeling that took a while to go away. And I couldn’t really see myself through the heartache – it made me feel old and tired and not so great about myself.
Now that the smoke has cleared, though – I realize all of the space that the difficulties of our relationship took up is free and clear. And when everything falls apart, there’s so much open space to create something new. And although I’ve been saying that, inside my head and out loud – for weeks, I feel it now. Like – for real feel it. Because last week, someone made my heart stop in a good way, and I’d forgotten how good that can feel. And this week, after two glasses of champagne and a cup of coffee, I went on a 5 mile run. And that’s so badass you guys! (Also not so smart, but badass!)
And I feel good, like – really good, for the first time in a long time. The fantasies I’m creating in my head are based in what I think I can create in reality. And they’re good, you guys. Promise.